Poetry by Caitlyn: The Diagnosis

Gabrielle Hammond

The Diagnosis

You grew up in a world not made for you.

A world where you had to split into two.

Cause how could you be yourself,

When that won’t fit society’s shelf?

The noise got too much, in and out of your head.

Until your whole life ends up hanging by a thread.

“What’s wrong with me,” you ask those up high

No answer, so you keep going, waiting to certify

You hear the word autism, but that must be wrong.

You may struggle but you keep moving along

But the more you read, the more you see,

“Wait, this could actually be about me”

The more you think, the more it makes sense.

Is this the reason you always feel so tense?

No one would believe you, no one would admit,

Because you’re still here, you don’t seem to quit.

For years you continue to ask the question,

Waiting for someone to hear your confession.

Your head is full of doubt, you feel like an imposter.

But you think of the child, the life that it cost her.

So one day you finally feel bold enough,

And you are heard, they hear your life is tough.

You talk and talk, you’re finally understood!

But then you think, are you being too good?

That imposter feeling comes back,

You’re waiting for them to see a crack.

Because what if this is all exaggerated,

And you’re becoming the thing you truly hated

You wait and wait until the day finally arrives.

All those questions, all of life’s knives.

The years and years of scepticism.

All worth it to hear the word “autism”.

Life begins to make sense.

The feeling of relief is immense,

For that little girl finally knows,

And she can take whatever life throws.

Whilst the answer doesn’t change her,

The world feels less like a blur.

She knows who she is, what she’s been through.

All helped when someone said “I see you”.

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